My Unbelief

Hey there.

Happy Mother's Day Sunday, this post is not about my mother, but you should know she is an exceptional person.

This past week I have been thinking of the insanity of this past year, especially this past semester.

If anyone had asked me back in January where I wanted to be after graduation my answer was pretty simple: not in Utah.

Because I wanted to be out of Utah, I applied to a lot of jobs outside of Utah, had a lot of interviews, and quite a few offers to some incredible places, but none of them seemed like the "right fit."

But I really wanted to get out of Utah.

Finally, after months of my mom simply saying, "just apply to some positions in Utah, it can't hurt anything." I gave in.

I looked online at positions at the UofU Hospital, applied, and the next day got a call for an interview that Friday. It seemed like a great opportunity and it was something that I knew would be impacting people (which so many of the other positions, although great, would be more of the behind the scenes and less actually working one on one with people.)

I still had two positions I had to either accept or deny, I got a job shadow for the one at the U but the other positions needed to know what my decision was the Monday after the job shadow. I hadn't been offered the job yet, but I felt that I needed to turn down the jobs in Denver and Kansas City. It was terrifying rejecting these two well paying jobs (you know, for Public Health positions) without a confirmation that I had the job here. But I did it.

I got the job here. But that whole story isn't the point of this post.

In reflecting over this past year I have been reminded of the story of the father bringing his son to Christ in Mark 9:

21 And he asked his father, How long is it ago since this came unto him? And he said, Of a child.

22 And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.

23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.


Now, this is all good and well--we know the story. But whenever I think of these verses I think of the older church bible videos with the father that literally sounds like he's sassing Christ (if you need to refresh your memory, press here, it's minute mark 10) and I used to watch that and be like, "whoa, dude, chill." However, I realize now, more than ever that I am in many cases like the father in this story:

Do I believe that the Lord has a plan for me?

I believe!

Do I believe that as long as I am trying my best to follow Him that all things will work out for my good?

(cue me pulling out my hair because of stress) I believe!

Do I believe He knows why I need to stay in Utah even though I reeeeeaaallly wanted to be elsewhere this year?

YEAH, I BELIEVE! (many times crying out with tears in my eyes.)

But in those moments, that my blocked view, my walking in the dark, my fear of being vulnerable, and my cautiousness of putting everything in His hands come, I have to take that moment--just like that anxious, believing father--to re-evaluate, humble myself and ask Him to give me His grace to help my unbelief and to give me the faith in His power and in His will, over my own abilities and desires.

So that's that. I don't know where He is leading me. But I do know that it is most definitely better than where I was planning on leading myself.

My cute missionary brother shared this article with me last week--I recommend anyone reading this post, read the article.

Happy Sunday again!